Starting Over

Or maybe just beginning again.

I've been pondering the difference between starting over and beginning again.  At the most basic of definitions, I suppose that there isn't a difference.  In my head, I debate if they are really that far apart.  In my heart, I know that they are.  

Starting over, for me, seems so severe.  I see it as a finite, measurable point A.  When I envision starting over I imagine sweeping away all of the old and taking out a clean sheet of paper.  There's no past to interfere with the new.  Like the time I threw away an entire term paper because it just wasn't right.  I picked an entirely new topic and started over. I thought I was headed one direction but as it turned out I ended up somewhere I hadn't even imagined at first.  Starting over can be a brilliant decision when it works out.  But given that view of starting over, it isn't always possible.

What happens when you would like the chance to start over but you can't because sweeping away the old just isn't possible?  I believe that is when beginning again becomes a real thing.  A different thing.  Beginning again allows for the old to remain and just the point of reference to change.  Beginning again is a choice to not let the past dictate the present.  I find that the place in my life I most often need to begin again is with my children.

I love them with my whole heart, but I often blow it with them.  When I have asked 10 times for Bugaboo to find his shoes while he continues to sit there and look at his book.  When I have taken Bumblebug off of the kitchen table a dozen times and she gives me a smirk while she climbs up there again (and manages to spill coffee all over).  These are the times that I desperately need Jesus, and more often than not the times that I need to begin again.

For me, the more I seek to follow Jesus, the more I need to begin again.  To put aside my pride and apologize to my kids when I yell about something silly because my patience has run out.  To let go of my selfish desires and put someone else's wants about my own.  Beginning again acknowledges that I cannot start over, but I can move forward. So every morning I want to begin again. I want to do better today than yesterday.  So today I will begin again.